stella and jango

The only reason I landed here was to see if you would come by to talk to me. I guess I fell from the stars too late, but now you’ve built up all that hate and I must demand that you take my hand and kiss me.

Once upon a time we were so broken it was almost okay to hurt each other like that. Now the unhealthy has risen to a boiling point and folded over like a five million dollar trust fund that got stolen through a social security number gone wrong. Key of life? Never deposit that much money and don’t spread your identity.

Last time you turned 18 I bought you my body for Christmas and wrapped it with a box which contained a pole I was getting installed in our living room that day. You snorted some cocaine then came to join but your pupils were dilated and I knew it felt like you couldn’t breathe so you ignored me until it wore off and you were cranky for the rest of the day. That’s what I remember.

Dreams are funny things. They generally scare us while making us believe that we are incredible. It really depends on the type of insanity that our minds make up. I guess my inner psyche is pretty fucked up.

Yesterday I was doubtful. Today I am creative. Tomorrow I will beg you to return.

Maybe these words have yet to follow through, move to you. Perhaps they are waiting, abandoned, at the bottom of this well and perhaps you are cold, trying to swim down to catch them. Little trails of light and I know that you would care if someone told you that they were calling for you, yet your attention has strayed elsewhere and now my fingers grow numb.

Yesterday I was doubtful. Today I am useless. Tomorrow I will find the hollow emptiness I used to know so well.

Here in the sun the days stretch on forever and I am happy. No matter the torture I have put myself through in the past, I have persevered despite my attempts at closure. Waiting for you to realize I am missing is taking the breath of light out of my eyes.

Yesterday I was doubtful. Today I am broken. Tomorrow I will use superglue to piece myself together.

Do you know how far I see you go? Into the atmosphere, places no one else knows for your music is a soul seeker and you are on the throne, standing tall while your empire battles on against your own will.

Yesterday I was doubtful. Today I just miss you. Tomorrow I will cry again.

I wonder if you even thought about me today.

Knowing you, you spent your whole day fantasizing about our future sex life and all that jazz.

You’ll probably log on here and wonder what the fuck was going on in my head today, and hell if I know. There’s no way I could explain.

Well, there is.

But that would involve a telephone.

Or at least, you being online.

Fuck my life.

I hate this.　 

I almost wish someone would call me ugly,
just so I could have an excuse to beg you
to comfort me and then I could smell how
heavenly it is in your arms and I know I
would be safe.

But no one will call me ugly because
everyone who is at all close to me knows
that if they did that I would probably
try to kill myself again. 

Too soon and too many, my head is screaming.
Things I never dreamed and too quickly I feel my life threatening.
Too soon and too many, and the urges to flee.
Who’d have known that this would be so difficult for me?

Just another traveler attempting to make their way,
And all you can get from me is another wasted day.
If you handle all your feelings and take care of your heart-
Well I’m sure you are saying they won’t tear it apart.

Too soon and too many, I look for a way to tell.
Too soon and too many, feeling close to hell.
Entranced in the nothingness, it’s hard to find my way out.
You can’t hear me, can’t be near me, not even when I shout.

The thing you didn’t know before you made that commitment:
How hard it would be for me. Every breath whispers I love you,
While I know that’s not what you need. Do I hurt again?
I thought I was passed this need to pretend.

Too soon and too many, the chaos rages on.
I cannot make these promises so instead I’ll write a song.
Still I am not ready, not for this extent;
Maybe when I have more life to fit inside my head.

You wouldn’t understand, you’d blame it all on yourself.
Just hurting you again, so you could feel that hell.
Like I ever stop this infinity tirade, these plans we’ve made-
Too soon and too many, now I’m just in a cage.

Emotions, broil, toil around; form in my mind.
All the doubts come about from which I’ve tried to hide.
Once upon a time it seemed like forever, and now it is so hard.
Would you be able to handle a moment or two apart?

Distance and a second, I can’t think how it must feel.
What if all those thoughts I was coming to were real?
Can you even tell the pattern of my means-
When all this destiny is splitting at the seams?

What I’m asking for is time, to be free of this chaos.
At this age when already I feel that all is lost.
So now I have to jump, claim the leap of faith-
Praying that you’ll love me while I find my way.

Too soon and too many, my heart is dipping down.
Maybe you will find it, lying on the ground.
Too soon and too many, already I cave in-
For either way I know that my emotions cannot win. 

Do you hear me?
I’m crying for you.

Across these great distances my arms are reaching out. You are there in my grasp, almost. Kisses planted across your skin, almost. Our fingertips brushing, almost.

Seventh heaven, a harmony within the chorus of our breaths where moments mingle like snow white doves and the lull in conversation sparks the tension as our bodies collide.

Do you hear me?
I’ve fallen for you. 

Today I fell in love (again).

It’s almost getting old-
The way I always love you,
even when my feet are cold.

Wearing little socks,
to warm this little heart-
So even when we are gone,
our love will not be lost.

Tired eyes I see you,
worried at my snide remarks;

Now I give you something
(In hopes of taking you from the dark.)

Dream with me, my star,
With eyes as bright as the world
   which
      travels
         so
           far.

We are never truly apart. 

send me your heart in a red envelope 
and lick it with pink sloshy brains
and send me your love wrapped in newspaper
in a car or a boat or a plane
send me your smile in a small cardboard box
and send me your kisses,too
so when, my dear, we are apart
I have little pieces of you 

Candle wax, dripping like the dancers we are,
with curved lips and fingers entwining as I
stare in awe; something so flawless that my
heart pounds from my skin- and as you
whisper to me I forget about the rest.
Worlds disappear from behind your closed eyes,
as the distance moves near and I hear your
sigh; my tongue traces down and you suck in
a breath- heated on fire with lips on my chest.
Suddenly I know. Time stops and I am cold-
my mind freezing as I hold out my hand and you
take it while I wander the dreamscape.
Dark foothold in this underworld and I am a
disciple, something evil stirring as my wheels are
turning and mechanics whirring, drunken slurring.
You are there, a light in the still air and I am free
to be me as long as I let you be and suddenly we
are open to the world and encompassed in everything. 

The air is so cold like the night,
yet here inside my heart is warm
and there is this place waiting or you.
Safe little fingerprints and I stained
your lips with my tongue until you
tasted only the morning dew.
It is so cold here, like the sun cannot
breathe without our fingertips
touching and the moon cannot glow
without our mouths brushing.

I would love to feel you against me
and to make you blush like the
flowers in full bloom.